My longtime friend decided that he wanted to go camping and he was not taking no for an answer.
“Do you have a nice mattress to sleep on, a good chair and some great food?” I asked.
“Yep, got it all packed” he quickly added.
“Well I have all that at home". I then looked out to his driveway
“And most people don’t rent a U-Haul to go camping”
“Come on, I want to be close to nature”
“No you don’t” I laughed. “The closest you get is the thick glass at the zoo. You scream when you see a cockroach and you step on every spider, even though they are eating all the nasty bugs in your house. You use cancer spray everywhere, including under your arms, to kill anything with more than two legs. You, my friend, are the original bubble boy. And …you bought stock in the company that makes ‘OFF'
“Yeah, well if it weren’t for SC Johnson, Dow and Monsanto we wouldn’t have any jobs researching cancer; Cancer is good for the economy. You talk a good game but all or your performing stocks are with companies that screw the environment too, so drop the lily white crap. You are as big of a hypocryte ast me and we both are all going to Hell. S let’s go camping where we can at least control the fire!"
“Ya gotta point ole city boy. I’ll go on one condition though, no fashion statements on this trip”
“This coming from the man who uses Frebreze rather than wash his underwear! Ya know, even in the woods fashion is important, just look at all the nice coats the animals wear?”
“Frebreze is the greatest invention since the washing machine, think of the water I save.” Jason just grimaced and walked out of the house.
The mostly barren spot beneath the hundred year old pine trees and penny oaks was calming. The pine needles scented the air and the shade held the mist from the rippling river which was lying just below and over a worn dirt bank.
“Is it true that the tents should be 10 feet apart in case one catches fire?” Jason asked.
“This isn’t a bunch of row houses in the city; do you plan on freebasing after I go to sleep? And at that distance I won’t hear the Dingoes eating your babies; you will be on your own”
“What’s a Dingo?” he asked.
“Never mind” I sighed. I was tempted to take him snipe hunting but I thought better of it.
The single best thing that God ever invented was the sunshine. The second best thing He ever invented was the shade. We had just left the latter and were on the bank of the swelling stream. I was hunting for great spots for the camera for the upcoming salmon run. One of the reasons I had agreed to come. Soon, the salmon would stop coming here because we have over fished them. There was film showing the 1940’s salmon run up the Kidiuk River and you could walk on the fish all the way across, from bank to bank. This year’s showing would be so sparse that Jesus couldn’t make it a few feet before going under. These banks had just seen too many withdrawals.
Suddenly, wading out into the water was a Kodiak bear. It was all muscle and open mouth. I pointed way upstream and Jason followed my finger.
“Remember never try and out run a bear, climb a tree whenever possible” I said.
“You are never supposed to run up a tree, you are to lay still and play dead” he confidently added.
“Play dead? It’ll be the first time your dream of acting will come true, you will be dead.”
“Bears can climb trees!” My Discovery channel partner yelled.
“Not as high as you can, you idiot! And it is a lot harder to eat you if they have to hold on to the tree” I said without looking back. The bear was moving side to side from paw to paw as he planted himself in an up swell. It was like watching a bad carnival event. The fish would go airborne, right by his head. He would swing his jaws around always too late.
“I read you can out run a bear downhill, something about their front legs being longer than their back legs” He added.
“ Well, hopefully the bear will let you slide by until you get downhill from him and just so you know, everything in the world runs faster downhill, it’s a gravity thing . You may want to stay off Google for a year or so and let your brain recover”
Johnny casually unzipped himself and starting taking a pee in the stream.
“Better not do that” I warned.
He shrugged a WTF look.
“Salmon love to swim up streams!” I yelled.
He jerked himself so quickly, he wet the entire front of his L.L.Bean trousers.
“Asshole!” he yelled.
“Good job Nature Boy, now you are walking bait, smelling of urine and musk….Christ, just stay away from me!”
The Bear had a huge fish fly right into his mouth and she turned and headed to the sandy bank. Jason nearly slipped into the river as he was trying to splash water on his trousers.
“You are essentially divorced from nature, ya know that, right?”
“Maybe, but at least I made out in the settlement! “ He opened his mouth grabbed his crotch with both hands and gestured at the bear. The bear sensed something and stood on his back legs and bellowed. Jason jumped and ran towards me. I am not sure but I think he added to his urine smell.
“You’re a shit, I am going back to change” He said as both his hands where flung to his side as he surveyed the damage.
“Just make sure you change on the top of a hill, ya know, just in case”
The sun had nestled behind the hills and we were settling into our camp. I had started a fire so we could cook and have the expected feeling of flickering light. I had spilled half a bag of rice on the ground and just kicked it around with my feet into the dirt. Jason had changed clothes and made an entrance from his tent.
“What the Fuck are you wearing?” I couldn’t believe my eyes.
“They’re outdoor pajamas" he said proudly.
“They’re Vagimas dude!” I started laughing… He couldn’t figure out what I had just said, so to quickly change the subject, he looked at me kicking the rice.
“What are you doing?” He asked. “Don’t you know you don’t throw rice at weddings because the birds will eat it and their stomachs will explode? I am sure the same rule applies here!”
I looked straight at his face because he couldn’t possibly be serious. It looked like he was.
“Other than mice and rats, do you know what rice farmers fear the most? Birds. Birds love to eat rice. It is the stupid balloons people use at weddings and parties that kill animals.
He walked over to his cooler on wheels and pulled out something in white butcher paper.
“Time for some Veal!” He said with enthusiasm. “I am gonna find me a flat rock and pound this baby into submission just like the old-time hunters use to do! Now, we are getting connected!”
He paused and then said “What are you doing?”
“Shaking my head, I have gone camping with one of the Village People”
He smiled. “I love that group!”
“That’s a shocker”
Later we retired to our seperate tents. I was relaxed and happy I had decided to come camping with my best friend. I leaned out of my tent to bring my shoes in and I looked over at Jasnon's tent. His lantern was on and there was his huge silhouette on his tent wall. He was humming something loudly, while he was making shadow animals….no, he was doing something with his arms. It took me a second, then I relized he was making letters...
Y
M
C
A
Stay tooned...Bernie will try to tackle an alien
